Get all 8 Plastic Jeezus releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Leave Them Wanting Less, Utter Baubles, The Biscuit Song, Escape (The P. E. Song), Quite Heavy Things, Live at St. Pancras Old Church, Choose Your Own Misadventure, and EP2.
1. |
E For Effort
03:52
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Every bike is a folding bike,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
And every door is a sliding door,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
But not every boat
Is a gravy boat.
(The buoyancy of Bisto)
Every mower is a ride-on mower,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
And every zoo is a petting zoo,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
But not every Burger King
Is a drive-through.
(Flame-grilled carburetor)
And it seems to me
I’m probably not welcome there again.
I made a hell of a mess
And the manageress
Said I should hang my head in shame.
Every fish is a flying fish,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
And every bag is a sleeping bag,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
But not every bank
Is a sperm bank.
(He’s fathered many children)
And it seems to me
I’m probably not welcome there again.
I made a hell of a mess
And the manageress
Said I should hang my head in shame.
Every glass is a shot glass,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
And every computer is a laptop computer,
You’ve just got to be prepared to put the effort in.
But not every gun
Is a tattoo gun.
(It still looks like your mother)
And it seems to me
I’m probably not welcome there again.
I made a hell of a mess
And the manageress
Said I should hang my head in shame.
And not every song
Has a satisfactory ending.
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2. |
The Size of Whales
02:46
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I bought my son a pet giraffe.
I thought it would be fun,
Yeah, a bit of a laugh.
And when we bought it
It was fairly tall,
Now that mother-f***er’s
Seventeen feet tall.
I bought my son a pet giraffe.
I bought my son a pet crocodile.
According to some
That’s a bad gift for a child.
But in the end
It turned out OK
‘Cos it ate the giraffe
Then it scampered away.
I bought my son a pet crocodile.
And I have no regrets
When it comes to the purchase of these pets.
Yeah, that’s just what you get
When you’ve had a few glasses of wine
And then go shopping on the Internet.
I bought my son a pet blue whale.
He’s always wanted one
And – well – it was in the sale.
But as pets go
This one really sucked
‘Cos now the house smells funny
And the fish tank’s f***ed.
I bought my son a pet blue whale.
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3. |
Hold Music
03:30
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Thank you for calling our hotline today,
Please note you’ve been placed in a queue.
Your call is important to us,
So we say,
But not so important we’ll actually put you through.
So press 1 if your query relates to a bill,
Press 2 if you’re seeking a loan,
Press 3 if you’re gradually losing the will,
Press 4 if you’d love us to pick up the phone,
Press 5 to hear the options again.
Now using your keypad
Please enter the third,
Fourth and twenty-ninth character
Of your password,
Which you set maybe seven or eight years ago
And you can’t be expected to actually know.
Please note that we may be recording your call
For the purpose of training our staff.
Try not to use any bad language at all.
Yeah, and good luck with that,
Once you’ve queued for an hour and a half.
Now press 1 if your query relates to a bill,
Press 2 if you’re seeking a loan,
Press 3 if you’re fighting a strong urge to kill,
Press 4 if you just want to get in your car,
Drive down to the call centre,
Smash down the door,
And shout “ANSWER THE BLEEDIN’ PHONE”.
Press 5 to hear the options again.
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4. |
Horse's Arse
02:22
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I got my hand stuck in a horse's arse,
I was running when I tripped and fell,
And I lost the egg and I lost the spoon
And I lost the race as well.
Now I'm stood here by that horse's arse,
Waiting impatiently
For the horse to guff
And release my stuff
As I need the spoon to stir my tea.
I got my foot stuck in a horse's arse,
I was practicing my tai chi in the barn,
And I lost my sock and I lost my shoe
And I lost my inner calm.
Now I'm stood here waiting by the horse's arse
For a stupid amount of time,
For my sock and shoe
In a horse's poo,
But the horse said "Now they're mine!".
(Alright! Walk me to the glue factory, etc.)
I got my head stuck in a horse's arse,
It's an incident I'm trying to forget,
For I lost my brand new spectacles
And I lost my career as a vet.
Now I'm stood here by that horse's arse
My day isn't going as I planned.
For I have to wait
For my equine mate
To plop my varifocals in my hand.
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5. |
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From the monument I saw you
I made a vowel
That I would male you my wife
You are the moist bountiful ladle
That I’ve ever seen in my lift.
My hands get sweary
And my mouse get dry
Every time we meet.
The sight of your hair
Flowing like sick
Makes me heater skip a bear.
You’re my angle from heaving
Sent down from Dog
To bring some joy to my world.
You’re so inedible
I’m glad you’re mint.
Thank you for bring my grill.
Bring my grill.
You’re the wombat of my drains,
The pettiest thing
On the offside and within.
The shape of your lips,
The swag of your hippo,
Your Perspex brown eyes
And your skint.
You’re my angle from heaving
Sent down from Dog
To bring some joy to my world.
You’re so inedible
I’m glad you’re mint.
Thank you for bring my grill.
Bring my grill.
Then you said to me
“Daring, I come bearding newts”
And you said we were shaving a baby.
Night moths layer our song was barn
And it made a feather of me.
Now we give by the seaside
In a tree-bedroomed horse,
Over-cooking the bay.
I think I’m the hippiest man Clive
And our growls strangler each day.
You’re my angle from heaving
Sent down from Dog
To bring some joy to my world.
You’re so inedible
I’m glad you’re mint.
Thank you for bring my grill.
Bring my grill.
Bring my grill.
Bring my grill.
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6. |
The Fortune Teller
05:26
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Now Carol chose the tarot card
The seven of swords,
I said "That means you're gonna be
The victim of a fraud".
And I was right, as always,
Though that wasn't too hard.
Cos when she paid me I just cloned her credit card
Cos I'm the fortune teller
I can predict your future
I never fail
I guarantee
100% accuracy.
So I read Billy's tealeaves
And I told him things looked bleak.
I said "You will be dead by the end of the week".
But Billy was a cynic
And he doubted me.
But Billy didn't know about the arsenic in his tea.
Cos I'm the fortune teller
I can predict your future
I never fail
I guarantee
100% accuracy.
Sally came to see me
So I could read her palm.
I said "Beware, it says right there you're gonna come to harm".
She said I was a liar
And that it was nonsense, but
She won't get far in her stupid car with the brake cables cut.
Cos I'm the fortune teller
I can predict your future
I never fail
I guarantee
100% accuracy.
I am the fortune teller
I can predict your future
I never fail
I guarantee
100% accuracy.
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7. |
Astro-Illogical
03:20
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Mary's an Aries,
She insists on telling everyone.
She believes the stars dictate her fate
Cos she read it on a page in the back of The Sun.
Her husband grew so sick of it
He said "I'm gonna pack my things and go".
Mary rolled her eyes and sighed,
"Textbook Scorpio".
Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Leo.
(The power of the stars can be used to explain us)
Libra, Cancer, Pisces, John Virgo.
(Are you Jupiter and Mars, or are you Saturn Uranus?)
Steven's a Libran,
He's got full faith in his horoscope.
It made him what he is today:
Miserable and broke.
And Laura's a Taurus.
She wastes her thyme burning sage.
Her Venus is in retrograde
(Which can happen to women of a certain age).
Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Leo.
(The power of the stars can be used to explain us)
Libra, Cancer, Pisces, John Virgo.
(Are you Jupiter and Mars, or are you Saturn Uranus?)
Janet says the planets
Speak to her in the way that they are aligned.
The only message I can hear
Is that Janet's clearly lost her mind.
Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Leo.
(The power of the stars can be used to explain us)
Libra, Cancer, Pisces, John Virgo.
(Are you Jupiter and Mars, or are you Saturn Uranus?)
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8. |
Beast Extravaganza
04:02
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Have you seen the emu
Dancing on the stage?
I've never seen a large bird
Move with so much grace.
I wonder how they trained her
To waltz in perfect time
And I wonder if she will find love...
Have you seen the donkey
Standing on the ball?
See the children laughing
As donkey nearly falls.
I wonder if he was born
With balance so attuned
And I wonder if he will find love...
The beast extravaganza is in town.
See the juggling penguin clowns.
The beast extravaganza, finally here.
But only twice a year...
Have you seen the monkey
Painting with his hands?
A chimpanzee rennaissance
Travelling the land.
I wonder if he knows his
Work is sold for coin
And I wonder if he will find love...
The beast extravaganza is in town.
See the juggling penguin clowns.
The beast extravaganza, finally here.
But only twice a year...
Have you seen the dodo
The last one of her kind?
Taken as an egg
She was all they could find.
I wonder if she knows
She's the star of the show,
But I know she never will find love.
I know she never will find love.
I know she never will...
Find love.
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9. |
Middle Class Punk
03:42
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I bought safety pins to stick through my nose.
(From the haberdashery aisle at Waitrose).
I wanna smash the system, give the man a punch.
(Then have smashed avocado on sourdough for brunch)
Cos I wanted to be a punk
But I'm far too middle class
And my guitar shrunk.
I've got The Buzzcocks, The Clash and the Undertones
On a Spotify playlist on my new iPhone.
I wanna rip my clothes and spike up my hair.
(But the dress code at work insists on business wear).
Cos I wanted to be a punk
But I'm far too middle class
And my guitar shrunk.
Hey ho! Let's go!
Hey ho! Let's go!
Hey ho! Let's go!
They've got quinoa on offer down at Tesco!
Let's all get wrecked on super-strength lager!
(But please use a coaster - and watch out for the Aga)
I wanna get wrecked and go to parties.
(But I mustn't forget to pick up my wife from Pilates).
Cos I wanted to be a punk
But I'm far too middle class
And my guitar shrunk.
Middle-aged dreams so hard to beat.
Every time I drive down the street.
I like Range-Rovers so I bought one.
My wife uses it for the school run.
Goodbye H&M.
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10. |
Jamie's Tongue Twizzler
03:47
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Lady Gaga sitting on a train,
Dressed in a ballerina outfit again.
Eating her lunch when she was heard to complain,
"Oh no! I've split my cous-cous!"
It was a Gaga faux-pas
Sitting on a choo-choo
Dressed in a tutu
Cous-cous booboo.
(Gaga faux-pas
Sitting on a choo-choo
Dressed in a tutu
Cous-cous booboo)
There's an all-night takeaway near me.
They've got a table-tennis table and karaoke.
Thought I'd give it a go, so I did some Jay-Z.
I was wearing my favourite beach-shoes.
It was a hip-hop sing-song,
Dressed in my flip-flips,
Down at the non-stop
Ping pong chip-shop.
(Hip-hop sing-song,
Dressed in my flip-flips,
Down at the non-stop
Ping pong chip-shop)
My wife went left me for another bloke
On the day a big, tragic news story broke.
He was a pilot and every time he spoke
He said he loved drugs and Star Wars.
So I said "Bye bye my wife"
On the day that Di died.
She left me for a sky-high
Sci-fi fly-guy.
("Bye bye my wife"
On the day that Di died.
She left me for a sky-high
Sci-fi fly-guy)
Now Jennifer Lopez is being served a drink
By some sort of monkey, I think.
He plays a little woodwind and he gives a little wink
As he hands her a cup of hot chocolate.
(Now he's not very *good* at playing woodwind - but he tries, and that's what counts)
So that was...
J-Lo's cocoa
Served by a bonobo
Playing her a so-so
Oboe solo.
(J-Lo's cocoa
Served by a bonobo
Playing her a so-so
Oboe solo)
It was a Gaga faux-pas
Sitting on a choo-choo
Dressed in a tutu
Cous-cous booboo.
(Gaga faux-pas
Sitting on a choo-choo
Dressed in a tutu
Cous-cous booboo)
It was a hip-hop sing-song,
Dressed in my flip-flips,
Down at the non-stop
Ping pong chip-shop.
(Hip-hop sing-song,
Dressed in my flip-flips,
Down at the non-stop
Ping pong chip-shop)
I said "Bye bye my wife"
On the day that Di died.
She left me for a sky-high
Sci-fi fly-guy.
("Bye bye my wife"
On the day that Di died.
She left me for a sky-high
Sci-fi fly-guy)
J-Lo's cocoa
Served by a bonobo
Playing her a so-so
Oboe solo.
(J-Lo's cocoa
Served by a bonobo
Playing her a so-so
Oboe solo)
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Plastic Jeezus Bournemouth, UK
Hello, we're Plastic Jeezus. We play funny tunes about silly things and we live in Bournemouth. Our names are Aaron and Simon.
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